How to Train Your Mary-Sue
by Heidi Erickson
Summary: An evil Mary-Sue prepares her dominion over Middle-earth (and the rest of the fiction and fan fiction universe) with the use of three very, very wicked Mary-Sues . . . this is basically an user's guide to creating your very own Mary Sue. Good luck . . . and beware!
1. How to Train Your Mary-Sue

_**How to Train Your Mary-Sue**_

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><p><strong>Well…I think this will be my second LOTR multichapter. :) Unbeta'd, directionless, pointless, and silly, but with no doubt an entertaining ploy.<strong>

**This is mainly a test for ME…to see how a true Mary-Sue acts. :P I admit I'm a little bit of a perfectionist on how my characters should be…so I want to test the limits. ;) I think this fic might be very different than other Mary-Sue parody fics. We'll see. :)**

**And if you like hobbits and drama, please read ****Just Merry****, my other LOTR multichap. :D It's a little Mary-Sue-ish in the beginning, but with a lot of help with the LOTR FF experts, I've improved! :)**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own **_**The Lord of the Rings**_**. All rights belong to J.R.R. Tolkien, Peter Jackson, and New Line Cinema. And I also don't own Emperor Palpatine, Lord Voldemort, Hoth, Endor, Yaviin, District 12, Percy Jackson, Yu-Gi-Oh, Forks, Washington, Isabella Swan, Jacob Black, Edward Cullen, Hogwarts, and Disney Channel. :P**

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><p><em><strong>Paris, France, Modern-Day Earth<strong>_

_Marie-Suzanne Bellerose-Bouchard's Lovely Golden Office._

Three young ladies stood before a tall, narrow oak door with golden letters engraved under the tint square window.

"Well, I suppose we'd better go in," the first one spoke. Her voice had a soft, cheerful lilt to it.

The second one, a slimmer lady with flowing scarlet hair, nodded, half-snarling and half-giggling. "I can't wait to meet her! I hope I get big money out of this. And maybe some _hawt_ boys."

The third, a petite, fair-skinned girl with cascading black hair, sighed audibly and gracefully, moving her lovely face low to the left. Her sleek hair hid her face, and she did not speak, for her sorrow and pain was far too great.

The first woman knocked at the door.

Immediately, a gust of wind blew through the hallway and it pushed the door open. The women gasped to see an intricately decorated office room; it was unlike any of the others. Not boring, grayish-blue and white, shipshape, and professional.

The walls were golden and silver-framed pictures of ancient nature hung all around. Flowing pale yellow thin-material canopies hung over lovely green corduroy sofas which faced each other in the middle of the room. Between them sat a cedar coffee table. Beyond the comfy spot was a wide dark desk that seemed antique, and two visitors' chairs sat before it. At the back of the room was a full-view window of the romantic city of Paris. The Eiffel Tower even could be seen in the distance.

"Hello, hello!" A voice chirped from the right side of the room. A young woman with wavy hair the colors of gold, scarlet, ebony, and silver skipped up to her visitors. Her green-gold-silver-amber-topaz eyes sparkled with gaiety and joy. "How are you? I suppose I have been expecting you! My name is…" she spread out her long arms dramatically, "…Marie-Suzanne Bellerose-Bouchard. And…I am a perfectionist of fictional characters. I specialize in training beautiful young women who are transferring into fan fiction. I basically make them…perfect." Marie-Suzanne finished with a sugary-sweet smile.

The young ladies all gasped breathlessly and placed their hands on their chests. Never before had they met a person with a job that was so esteemed and well-known and desirable.

"Come, come! Sit down," Marie-Suzanne half-danced, gesturing her guest into their chairs. She twirled around twice and settled into her chair as lithely as a ballerina.

The blonde and the redhead sat in the chairs, but there wasn't a third one for their last companion.

"Oh!" The blonde exclaimed in dismay, "Mlle Bellerose-Bouchard, she doesn't have a chair. Do you have an extra chair?"

Her chair-less friend gave out a long sigh of melancholia. "I have lived a life of unfortunate events and depression. It is all right, Mlle Bellerose-Bouchard. I am used to being ignored, pushed aside, made the last, abused, and—"

"Oh, tut, tut, tut," Marie-Suzanne shook her head, flailing her hands to silence the poor girl. "Oui. I understand, mon cher. However, I regret to say that I have no extra chair. You shall have to stand. Je m'excuse!"

The forlorn girl only sighed again. In the meantime, the redhead stared up at her in shock. "I thought you couldn't talk—you implied that you were taking on a lame 'vow of silence'—"

"I made her speak." Marie-Suzanne broke in smugly. Her visitors fell silent and glanced at her. Suddenly, the golden aura of pleasance and gladness around her. Slowly, a chill spread through the room, and despite the sunny weather outside, the room grew dark and gray.

"And now, ladies…you shall refer to me as…" Marie-Suzanne stepped out from behind her desk and walked towards her visitors. A crack of lightning sounded off as she said her true name. "…Mary-Sue."

A collective gasp of horror was heard from an invisible and nonexistent audience as the three young women looked on with shock.

"…So it's true?" The black-haired girl repeated.

"I've heard _stories_…" the blonde mused in a hushed whisper of awe.

"_Mary Sue?_ Crap dang it. I was hoping for Emperor Palpatine. Or maybe even Lord Voldemort." The redhead pompously muttered, effectively breaking the stunned atmosphere.

Mary-Sue drew in an inhale of indignation. "Emperor _Palpatine_? _Voldemort?_ Heaven's sakes, _no_! Don't be vulgar. There is no being, _no being_, on Earth and the rest of this universe that is far worse than a Mary-Sue. Not even He Who Shall Not Be Named!"

Impulsively, the blonde woman subsequently fell to her knees and bowed. "O, great evil lady of all fiction! How can I serve thee?"

Mary-Sue's lips split into an evil grin. Ah, yes. She had chosen the right followers. "Rise, young one. From this day and henceforth, your agent identity shall be named…'Perfect Mary-Sue'."

Perfect Mary-Sue gasped happily as she rose her feet. She barely contained herself from hopping around the room in glee. "O, my queen, what other title shalt thou givest me? For in my far-off land o'er yonder Parisian hills, I am known as Uliana Petrona Pajari."

Mary-Sue had to cackle quietly. _Ah, yes. Her ancient speech I implanted into her is coming out nicely. _"I shalt giveth thou thy title as soon as I address the scarlet-haired and raven-haired beauties."

The raven-haired one was the first to speak. She rushed forward. "So you made me speak again?"

"Oui!" Mary-Sue answered.

"Then…" the raven-haired girl's silver-moon eyes shone with tears, "…You must finally have some good use of me."

"Mon cher," Mary Sue reached out and touched the girl's smooth, ivory cheek, "I have been waiting for this day for a long, long time. Where do you hail from?"

The ebony-haired youth sighed audibly and answered, "I don't know, really. My father, who is abusive, told me my mother was a rich girl who abandoned me with him, and we've just been traveling all over the country. I think I was born in Beverly Hills, though. I was going to be Isabella Marie Swan, but some skank in Forks, Washington already has that name," she snarled half-viciously, an unexpected outburst coming from this usually quiet girl, "So my father just gave me the simple name of Isabell Guinevere, and I have my mother's last name: Schlimme. It is German, meaning 'bad'." A sob escaped her throat, but she did not weep, for that would be a sign of weakness.

Mary-Sue's heart did not melt with sympathy, like Perfect Mary-Sue's would. No, Mary-Sue was _the _Mary-Sue of _all_ Mary-Sues. _This_ Mary-Sue had no heart.

But she was the queen of deception as well. She wrapped an arm around Isabell's shoulders and nodded compassionately. "Vous pauvre. Your troubles will be over soon."

Isabell merely sighed again. Her best trait was, of course, self-pity. "I should think not," she disagreed, "For also the love of my life has been lost."

Mary-Sue feigned concern, "Oh, who, cher?"

She sighed again, once again avoiding eye contact. "Jacob Cullen Black-Edwards. He is a werewolf-vampire-human hybrid."

Mary-Sue wanted to proclaim to the heavens that she'd found the heiress to Mary-Suedom, but first, the other two must pass the test as well.

The last candidate was the redhead, who's been sitting in her chair quietly for the whole time. Mary-Sue dubiously wondered if she was a good pick after all…

To her surprise, the redhead shot up to her feet and sauntered away. "I'm blowing this joint. This is a freak show."

Hope welled up within her. Wait, this Mary-Sue type was rare…but dangerous indeed. Not even the best Mary-Sue destroyer or tracker could detect this kind easily.

"Scarlett Thorne," Mary-Sue called her name. She'd immediately known it since this vixen strutted into her office, clad in gaudy make-up and fishnet leggings.

Scarlett turned around, her ruby red lips forming into an _o_ in surprise. "How do you know my name, French chica?"

Mary-Sue stepped forward quickly, her hands writhing with each other in eagerness. "You're a Naughty Mary-Sue," she exclaimed excitedly, "Even I have never met one myself. You…are…_special_."

Behind her, she heard Isabell's sigh of resignation and Uliana's whimper of hurt. _Ingrates._

Scarlett chuckled self-confidently. "Of course I am. Everywhere I go, boys fall for me—"

"They do for me, too!" Uliana chirped, apparently trying to gain Mary-Sue's attention.

"But not me," Isabell gave a little moan of depression.

"—And I've won, like, 2,796,842 beauty contests, even though I've got a scandalous reputation and I'm only nineteen—"

"Me, too! Only it's 2,796,84_3_!" Uliana competed smugly.

"I'm ugly and clumsy!" Isabell half-whined.

"—I'm into drugs and drinking, but my teeth and fingers are perfectly white despite how yellow cigarettes make most, and drugs really have no effect on me! I never get caught drinking and driving. I don't even get drunk easily! Everyone thinks I'm so cool." Scarlett smirked; sure she'd still outdo Uliana. Isabell, however, was no problem. She was pathetic and didn't have enough self-esteem to be willing to compete for the best Mary-Sue title.

This time, Mary-Sue couldn't contain her excitement. She cackled wickedly and danced around the room, magically exchanging her ordinary, professional building-office uniform to a black witch's cloak and hat, but still looking beautiful all the same. Of course, a Mary-Sue is never ugly!

"_Perfect!_ This is _perfect_!" Mary-Sue shrieked in elation. "A Perfect Mary-Sue and a Naughty Mary-Sue! Oh, _joy_! Oh, _happy day_!"

Isabell struck a dramatic pose and rushed over to the window, staring out to the horizon with a depth of sadness. "I have been forgotten again," she murmured."

"Oh, be quiet, you pleurs insensé!" Mary-Sue snapped, whirling around. She severely hoped that Isabell wouldn't understand French. She'd just been insulted. Luckily, Isabell only eyed her hostess warily.

Mary-Sue quickly composed herself. _Well. No wonder her Mary-Sue type is allegedly the most-hated._ She attempted a tight smile and pulled Isabell close, acting gentle and loving once again. "You, Isabell, are a Tragic Mary-Sue. The most popular. Also known as the Angst-y Mary-Sue." She smiled sweetly. "_Everyone loves you._" She lied bare-facedly.

"Everyone loves me, too," Uliana smiled wistfully, "Of course, I'm perfect!"

Mary-Sue chuckled, hiding the derision in her tone. "We are the most powerful fictional villainous beings on Earth and the entire universe, Uliana."

"I thought Palpatine was," Scarlett mumbled, rolling her eyes.

"_Stop_ saying his name," Mary-Sue warned, gritting her teeth. Swiftly regaining her sweet veneer, she returned to her desk and pulled a large, heavy book out of her top left drawer. "Now…ladies…what I am about to show you is…the key to your _future_."

Curiosity piqued with wide-open eyes, the girls stepped forward.

"Now…this…" Mary-Sue huffed as she lifted up the heavy brown hardcover. She blew the dust off the cover and displayed the title.

How to Train Your Mary-Sue.

"Oooohhhh," the girls _oooh_ed with interest.

"Yes," Mary-Sue nodded in affirmation, "I need a Mary-Sue heiress to rule my future kingdom, the Mary-Suedom. I plan to corrupt the fiction world with perfect…or naughty…or tragic characters that will send every reader screaming, head-desk-ing, face-palm-ing, computer-bashing, flaming, and altogether _giving up on reading_!" She finished off with a crazed laugh. "With Mary-Sues as horrible as you three, in a matter of months…reading will no longer exist! Authors will give up on writing because nobody likes Mary-Sues! And then we'll move on to television and film. And then the entire world will be rid of reading! More texting, more Internet surfing without reading, more eating, more walking, more math, more science, more computer and video games, and more _war_! _Who needs books?_"

"I hath a question," Uliana raised a hand uncertainly.

"Yes?" Mary-Sue leaned forward expectantly.

"…Why dost thou hate reading?"

Mary-Sue stopped short. She hadn't thought of that. "Uh…well…I don't! I just need a reason for Mary-Sues to rule the world. Plus…I'll be able to get my hands on every book in the world for _myself_."

"Oh," at first, Uliana seemed disapproving, but then her lovely blue irises with green depths that made her eyes seem almost oceanic lit up, "Sounds wonderful! How wilt thou traineth us, O Mary-Sue the Magnificent?"

Mary-Sue beamed proudly. "With this book, my children, I will send you off into a popular fan fiction world. Fan fiction is the best and most basic step to start within our journey to taking over the universe. Now, let me look for a fandom…" She struggled to open the book and turned its tattered, faded pages. She muttered to herself, deep in thought, nearly forgetting her three candidates who were looking on with apt fascination.

"Hogwarts…no, no, no, Voldemort always scared me…Hoth, Endor, Yaviin…eh, to sci-fi-ey. District 12—not popular enough. Percy Jackson and—who the heck is _that_? Yu-Gi-Oh…_ew_! _Anime?_ Disney Channel…nope, too juvenile. Forks, Washington—oh, you don't want that, Isabell, should've expected that…uh…" she flipped page after page until a name finally caught her eye.

"Aha. Yes. _Middle-earth_." A sinister grin curled up her lips.

Scarlett grinned. "There was a movie on that, right? Man, the many dudes in that movie were _hawt_."

Isabell held her hands to her heart. "My heart belongs to Frodo Baggins," she breathed.

"I would love to marry Boromir," Uliana sighed dreamily.

"Eh, any of them are fine for me. Even that bearded dwarf!" Scarlett chortled.

"Excellent!" Mary-Sue held her book to her chest. "Now, the next step will be: I will magically make you fall into Middle-earth. Always an important aspect of Mary-Sueism. Then, you will become the tenth, eleventh, and twelfth walkers in the Fellowship. Another terrifying aspect of Mary-Sueism!" She laughed aloud, and the room flashed with lightning.

"And then…Uliana, who will be known as the White Lady of Gondor: Hrodohaidis Eileen Lark Inushayia Elvenprincessia. She will get Boromir to fall in love with her madly due to her utter perfection of character. Isabell will be half-Elf, half-human and secretly Aragorn's long-lost twin sister: Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn. She will get Legolas to have pity over her dark and sad life and he'll fall in love with her—"

"I want Frodo," Isabell interrupted with a pout.

"Hush!" Mary-Sue snapped, "—And to add more egregious drama to the story, Hrodohaidis Eileen Lark Inushayia Elvenprincessia will save Frodo's life—which in the original it should be someone else J.R.R. Tolkien chose—and therefore, he will fall in love with her as well. But Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn will struggle with her love for _him_ as well, which is _kind of_ returned…"

"That's confusing," Scarlett remarked.

Mary-Sue snickered. "That's the point. _Exasperate the reader._"

"Well, what about me?" Scarlett stuck out her chest in a confident manner. "What will be my name?"

"Let me think…" Mary-Sue twisted her perfect rosebud mouth in thought, "…I know! You'll be Ashley Connelly, a hobbit-lass who'd somehow snuck along on the four hobbits' trip to Rivendell. You, uh, choose whoever you'd like to be a nightmare to." Her mouth curved into a malicious smile.

"Well, that's nice!" Scarlett Thorne/Ashley Connelly balked, "They get the best Mary-Sue names, and I get this?"

Uliana Petrona Pajari/Hrodohaidis Eileen Lark Inushayia Elvenprincessia giggled and nudged her companion, "Dear, I'm sure no one in Middle-earth has a modern name such as _Ashley Connelly_."

"Hmm…you're right." A smirk tugged at Scarlett Thorne/Ashley Connelly's mouth.

"When shall we go?" Isabell Guinevere Schlimme/Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn asked, looking uncharacteristically giddy. She must be excited about meeting Frodo (and Legolas).

"Now, of course!" Mary-Sue piped up, setting aside her book and clapping her hands. "First of all—remember this; I'll be in your minds, training you along the way. Do whatever I say. And by the end of the story…I'll choose who becomes my heiress."

The girls glanced at each other. They weren't exactly close friends…so this competition would be fairly easy.

"Join hands, you three."

They joined hands.

"Close your eyes."

They closed their eyes.

"Brace for impact."

They braced for impact.

"There…you…_go_!"

And there they went.

Middle-earth would soon be _Mary-Sueearth_.

Mary-Sue cackled maniacally as thunderclaps sounded in her room.

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><p><strong>AN: What do you think? :) Let me know in a review! Please—no flames. And if you think I'm trolling…please let me know. Concrit is highly recommended! Just tell me anything, as long as you are nice about it. :)**

**Oh, and I apologize to any Ashleys out there if I've offended you. I know a few Ashleys myself…and they all are really nice. :) I just wanted a modern, popular name.**

**And despite of all the popular culture mentions in there…the only movies/other I like are Star Wars. The rest are just from what I've heard. ;) Did I spell Voldemort correctly? :P I hope. LOL!**

**One more thing - French? I'm not fluent. I cheated using Google Translate. ;)**

**R&R? :) Thanks!**

**- Heidi Erickson**


	2. The Ten Commandments of Mary-Sueism

_**Chapter 1: The Ten Commandments of Mary-Sueism**_

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><p><strong>AN: I want to thank Blue Eyed Rat, Its2dark2read, Kamai6, and Scylla's revenge for story-alerting, Its2dark2read and Kamai6 for story-favoriting, and Its2dark2read, Kamai6, insanepersonishappy, estie793, and Scylla's revenge for reviewing. I hope to hear more feedback from you all again! :)**

**RATED K-PLUS FOR MILD THEMATIC ELEMENTS.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own **_**The Lord of the Rings**_**. All rights belong to J.R.R. Tolkien, Peter Jackson, and New Line Cinema.**

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><p><em><strong>Dwarrordelf, the Mines of Moria, Middle-earth, Some 1,000 Years Ago<strong>_

The Fellowship of the Nine crept through the tall grey halls of Dwarrordelf, the Dwarf Gimli's late cousin Balin's old home, now infested with goblins, cave-trolls, and Orcs. Fear and apprehension seeped through every being in the Fellowship as they smelled the dank, stale air, squinted their eyes through the dusty, misty darkness which only beacon of light was from Gandalf the Grey's wizard staff.

They just had recently had a harrowing encounter with goblins, but a distant roar and a fiery glow down the corridor had frightened them off. "What is this new devilry?" Boromir of Gondor whispered to Gandalf, wondering at how this devilry had indeed saved them—but now they were in danger once again.

Gandalf closed his eyes and crinkled his bristly brow in deep thought.

He remembered Saruman, long ago, explaining to him about this ancient demon of the underworld…a Balrog.

But something inside him told him it must be something else.

"_Mary-Sue._" Gandalf muttered in horror. _Wait, where did that come from?_

"…Pardon?" Peregrin Took, one of the four hobbits of the Shire, inquired.

Gandalf didn't want to explain. Nor did he know how. But this he knew… "This foe is beyond any of you…" he declared grimly, "_…Run!_"

(And somewhere else in the Mines of Moria the Balrog was crying with his teddy bear because he realized he was going to be the laughingstock of Halloween now.)

The Fellowship ran towards the Bridge of Khazad-dûm, anticipating for the upcoming struggle to trek down the narrow, decaying steps. They were dismayed to be attacked by goblins once again; Legolas the Prince-Elf of Mirkwood and Aragorn the ranger evaded off their blows by rushing forward their comrades and evading the goblins' arrows. Even Gandalf ran along even though he was supposed to be hanging back and sacrificing his life for his friends.

"Fly, you fools! Fly!" Gandalf cried as he rallied on his group as they raced towards the Bridge.

Fire rose up out of the gorge, and then a loud crash was heard. Suddenly, three whirlwinds spun around the walls, killing every goblin one by one, and then they flew down and lifted every member of the Fellowship, whisking them across the Bridge safely.

J.R.R. Tolkien would suffer a heart attack (if he were alive right now) to see his fantastic works being mauled by something _far worse_ than a Balrog. (Sorry, Balrog.)

The whirlwinds slowed down and then three teenage girls appeared. The nine males stood, in absolutely stunned silence.

The first one, a golden-haired maiden with sparkling sapphire eyes, stepped forward and beamed a perfect smile that was framed by two rosy lips that laid on a snow-white face.

"My name is Hrodohaidis Eileen Lark Inushayia Elvenprincessia." (If you don't remember who that is, it's Uliana Petrona Pajari, the Perfect Mary-Sue.) "I am a maiden of Gondor, better known as the White Lady."

"WHAT IS THIS NEW DEVILRY? I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" Boromir (who was also from Gondor) screamed, hiding behind Gandalf.

The second stepped forward and gave a soft, sad sigh. "My name is Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn." (If you don't remember who that is, it's Isabell Guinevere Schlimme, the Tragic Mary-Sue, or the Angst-y Mary-Sue.) "I am a partially blind, partially deaf half-Elf from the forests of Mirkwood. My mother was a human, who was slayed by my Elf-father because she would not share her rich fortunes with him. Therefore, I have lived my seventeen years with my father who abuses me, and I'm ugly, weak, poor—despite of having a wealthy inheritance from my mother—and clumsy. If only someone would love me…and my life would be all right again."

"WHAT IS THIS NEW DEVILRY? I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!" Legolas (who was the prince of Mirkwood) shrieked, framing his face with his perfect hands in horror.

"Oh, yeah, and, Aragorn…I AM YOUR SISTER." Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn finished.

(And long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, a dark Sith lord yelled, "Hey! That's MY line! Only I'm supposed to say 'father'…")

"…Half-sister, actually." Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn corrected.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Aragorn cried out in despair, falling down to his knees.

"Wait, I thought your father was a human and your mother was an Elf!" Peregrin yelped, pointing out a fact that _he_ couldn't have known.

"Uh…" Aragorn sputtered, utterly shocked and petrified with dismay.

Finally, the third girl, who was the shortest of the three, came forward. "My name is Ashley Connelly…" (if you don't remember who that is, it's Scarlett Thorne, the Naughty Mary-Sue) "…Hobbit-lass of the Shire. Somewhere in the southern part. Is Bree in the Shire? Anyway, I snuck along the way." She smiled smugly.

"WHAT IS THIS NEW DEVILRY? WE HAVE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN OUR ENTIRE LIVES!" The four hobbits yelled.

"…Wow, that's kind of loud," Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn remarked, rubbing her left ear. Even a partly deaf Elf could hear _that_!

"But _how_ did you sneak along?" Meriadoc Brandybuck protested, eyeing Ashley Connelly with utter fear.

"Like, _duh_!" Ashley grinned, "I shrunk myself and hid myself in Samwise Gamgee's backpack! Why do you think it's so big?"

"_Oi!_ I'm going to have to _burn _that!" Samwise wailed.

"FLEE!" Gandalf howled, shaking his staff at them. "I do not know who you are, nor where you came from, but FLEE, I say! Your foul and infernal presence makes us want to vomit and be eaten up by _Orcs_!"

Peregrin cringed and looked up at the wild-eyed wizard. "Um, I'm not sure if I'D rather that…!"

"Thou lonely, wearied beings of Middle-earth!" Hrodohaidis Eileen Lark Inushayia Elvenprincessia smiled gently and lifted her hands, "Serenity, Ashley, and I shalt lead thee to Lothlórien to meet Galadriel. Come, come—"

Gandalf looked utterly disgusted. "I do not believe you three were fated to be our guides! And what am I doing here? I was so going to have an epic battle with the Balrog and then he would whip my butt all the way down the gorge, thus breaking the Fellowship and its hearts, and then I was supposed to totally PWN that Balrog in the middle of a snowstorm, thus nearly getting PWNED but only I'd be transformed into Gandalf the White and I'd get a totally cool and hip horse named Shadowfax! AND WHY AM I TALKING LIKE THIS?"

His fellow comrades all stared at him agape with puzzlement while Ashley smirked slyly, "Oh, I did that. I wanted to see what teen lingo would sound like coming from an old cranky wiz like you."

Gandalf spluttered in disbelief and then he scowled deeply. "BEGONE BEFORE I SMITE YOU!" He bellowed, raising his staff.

"YES! SMITE THEM!" Frodo Baggins, the Ring-bearer, yelled. He was confused when Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn sent him a heartbroken stare. And creeped out when she didn't tear her gaze from him.

But to everyone's utter dismay, an unknown force forced Gandalf's staff down. He looked on with shock, struggling to smite them. But the three Mary-Sues, whatever they were, only smiled plainly and stepped forward.

To everyone's horror, they felt being forcibly walked, dragged, and pushed to follow them up the stairs to the exit of the Mines of Moria.

"I say! What are you doing to us, you devil-women?" Gimli the Dwarf protested, struggling against the invisible forces.

"Doing what should be done," Hrodohaidis Eileen Lark Inushayia Elvenprincessia replied smoothly, "We are going to finish the mission." Promptly, Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn laid her hand on her companion's arm and whispered something.

"…Hmm? Oh, yes." Hrodohaidis Eileen Lark Inushayia Elvenprincessia nodded, biting her lip. She then glanced at Gandalf and Gimli. "You two are no longer necessary for this mission," she informed them with a sweet smile. "I shall magically transport you back to Rivendell."

"What? This is an outrage!" Gimli protested. "You can't do this! I won't get a chance to fall in love with Galadriel, insult talking trees in Fangorn, threaten Grima Wormtongue in Rohan, beat Legolas in numbers of Orcs killed in the Battle of Helm's Deep, visit ghost armies, and complain about Legolas getting to kill an OLIPHAUNT!"

Everyone stared at him in utter confusion.

"…_Me?_ I'll kill an Oliphaunt? YAY!" Legolas clapped his hands, and then shuddered as he realized how the Mary-Sues' powers were affecting him. Oh, the HORROR!

Hrodohaidis Eileen Lark Inushayia Elvenprincessia shrugged mildly, and then with a snap of her slender fingers, Gandalf and Gimli were gone.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Frodo screamed in grief.

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Legolas whined, "I NEED A SIDEKICK FOR THE POPULAR SIDEKICK-DUO IN BOOK AND FILM SERIES!"

"AND GIMLI WILL NEVER MAKE ÉOWYN LAUGH AND TELL HER ABOUT DWARF-WOMEN'S BEARDS!" Aragorn sobbed.

"AND GANDALF WILL NEVER TAKE ME TO GONDOR TO LIGHT THE BEACONS AND TO SAVE FARAMIR FROM BEING BURNED BY HIS NUTCASE POPS! …Sorry, Boromir!" Pippin squealed.

"…They're fine," Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn responded flippantly, "They've been transported back to Rivendell."

"Oh, I know," Frodo shrugged, "I'm following my cue. Which can't work, though, because you _ruined_ it!" He glared.

"…You'll never get away with this!" Aragorn shouted as he and his companions were dragged along by these three evil aliens.

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><p><em><strong>Paris, France, Modern-Day Earth<strong>_

"What isssssss it, hmm, Precioussss?" Mary-Sue whispered to herself as she kept a half-crazed gaze on a shallow cardboard box that just had been delivered to her. "Chocolatessss? Ssssoapsssss? BOOKSSSS? We must openssss it, yessss, yesssss, we musssst, Precioussss!" Mary-Sue trembled with euphoria as she rabidly tore open the box.

To her delight, her long-awaited booklet lay in the box. The Ten Commandments of Mary-Sueism.

Mary-Sue emitted a squeal of glee as she held the book to her chest, and then she opened it. She turned the pages to the contents information. _Author's Note. Introduction. Chapter One: The First Commandment._

Mary-Sue already knew her commandments by heart, but she wanted to read them from a fresh perspective.

_The First Commandment: A Mary-Sue must gain the utter hatred and chagrin of readers, lest they be naïve-minded nincompoops._

_The Second Commandment: A Mary-Sue must be either: Perfect, Tragic, Naughty, Annoying, or Hidden. Any of those traits in a Mary-Sue must render the reader nauseated and horrified._

_The Third Commandment: If a Mary-Sue gains more than three character flaws, she has betrayed Mary-Suedom and will be apprehended._

_The Fourth Commandment: No Mary-Sue must be homely, clumsy, simple-minded, weak, and most of all, flawed._

_The Fifth Commandment: A Mary-Sue must have an author (also known as a Mary-Suethor) who is naïve and idealistic within her writing ways._

_The Sixth Commandment: A Mary-Sue must be loved by all other fictional characters except for the antagonists, adored by children and animals, able to sing, dance, cook, bake, and all other talents, and most of all, know how to fight even if she hasn't had any prior experience._

_The Seventh Commandment: A Mary-Sue is variable, but a very important character trait should be magical powers or rare skills._

_The Eighth Commandment: In a fan fiction, a Mary-Sue usually should take the place of an original character in order to do something commendable or valuable to the original story._

_The Ninth Commandment: As a romantic plot device, a Mary-Sue should be non-canon to a canon character, omitting the original love interest._

_The Tenth Commandment: All Mary-Sues must pursue the goal to destroy the reader's love for reading._

The tenth commandment sent Mary-Sue into a fit of giddy giggles. "Yes! Yes! And then…all of the books in the universe will…be…MINE!" She cackled, summoning a dramatic clap of thunder.

And then, to further her jubilation, Mary-Sue concocted a song-and-dance routine. She opened her mouth and—

**THIS SCENE HAS BEEN CENSORED DUE TO GRAPHIC MARY-SUEISMS. THIS SCENE HAS BEEN PRONOUNCED TOO TRAUMATIC FOR THE GENERAL AUDIENCES AND THE ANTI-MARY-SUES.**

Mary-Sue finished her ending verse with an earsplitting vocalization. She stopped mid-victorious pose when she heard a knock at the door. Annoyed, she barked, "Who is it?"

"Meredith Daniels, O Despised One."

"Ah." Mary-Sue hopped down from her desk and went over to open the door. Before her stood a dimpled, grinning girl with blonde hair tied in a ponytail. She was clad in a cheerleading uniform.

"Meredith, what are you doing here?" Mary-Sue inquired curiously. "If you're looking for Isabell, she went to Middle-earth with two other Mary-Sues. They are supposed to wreak havoc in the original works of J.R.R. Tolkien's."

Meredith gave out a loud squeal. "_Oooooooh! I KNOW!_" She giggled madly and skipped past Mary-Sue, entering the office uninvited. Mary-Sue rubbed her ears, blinking from the expected squeal of glee coming from the newly-originated Annoying Mary-Sue.

"See, that's why I'm here!" Meredith announced with the most obnoxious bright smile, "I want to join Isabell with Scarlett and Uliana in their quest in Middle-earth! Oh, my gosh, Mary-Sue, don't you know how much I love…LEGGY?"

Mary-Sue smiled sinisterly. "I know. But he's already getting unwanted attention from Isabell."

"ISABELL?" Meredith screeched, her nicely tanned face flushing with fury. Fangs sprung in her mouth, and she snarled savagely, "I'll KILL that vampire-loving, werewolf-smooching, eviler-clone-of-Bella Swan…" she dissolved into mutters of curse words.

Mary-Sue pressed her hands over her brown checkered wool jacket, pondering while calmly disregarding Meredith's temper.

Perhaps…Yes? Yes! Of course. This was her planned ultimate conquest of fan fiction. Mary-Sue needed as many allies and minions as she could get. She smiled sweetly, alleviating Meredith's obsessed rage. The young Mary-Sue could tell what Mary-Sue was thinking, and she composed herself, smiling back cutely.

"Meredith, how would you like a nice ride…into Middle-earth?" Mary-Sue inquired coolly and sneakily, placing her long fingernails atop her chin.

Meredith let out a shriek of uncontrived joy. "YES! YES! YES!" She sang, jumping up and down.

"But, first!" Mary-Sue raised a finger, letting the girl know she wasn't finished. "You must remember…your job as a Mary-Sue is crucial. You must not fail me." She regarded the younger girl with slight sternness.

"Oh, I won't!" Meredith gushed, falling to her knees. "I won't! Not even Justin Bieber could convince me not to go! I won't fail you, O Feared, Loathed, Despised, Dreaded, and Disgusting One!"

"Wonderful!" Mary-Sue cooed happily. And with a simple wave of her hand, the Annoying Mary-Sue was gone in a blink. She sighed in relief, glad to be rid of that…well, duh. Annoying Mary-Sue.

"Oh," she gasped to herself, "I forgot to give her other name." She shrugged. "No big deal. Mary-Sues are supposed to be unrealistic, anyway."

She chuckled to herself as she sauntered to her comfy leather chair and settled, propping up her feet atop the desk. Grabbing herself a box of chocolate-dipped strawberries, Mary-Sue took an afternoon nap before she prepared her nefarious plan any farther.

And those pathetic Anti-Mary-Sues had _nothing_ on her.

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><p><strong>AN: I'm sorry if this chapter isn't as amusing. ;P I'm still working on my humor expertise. ;) **

**Comments? Thoughts? Maybe…um…flames? ;) Thanks for reading! :)**


	3. How to Mary-Sueize

_**Chapter 2: How to Mary-Sueize**_

**AN: Hello. Uh, remember me? I haven't published or updated anything on here in . . . er . . . a year and a half. Sorry. :-/ I feel ridiculous since . . . well . . . I HATE PROCASTINATION BUT I STILL DO IT ANYWAY! *Face in palm.* (Look, it's either keep writing and publish non-profit stories and live with my parents for the rest of my life, OR get good grades in college and graduate in order to get my own life. Get it? I'm sure you in-college readers out there understand what I mean. Although it's still no excuse, at least, in my own hypocritical opinion.)**

**Anyway . . . here's a new chapter with a promise that I WILL continue writing but not how regularly or frequently . . . :-) I appreciate all of your reviews and being, well, consistent as consistent can be. :-) I also hope to gain more readers, too . . . granted that they understand I can't promise to publish new chapters and stories . . . consistently. Heh. *Ahem.* Here you go, dearies.**

**NOTE TO **_**TWILIGHT **_**FANS: If you're easily offended about any mockery of **_**Twilight**_**, then don't read this. I don't want death-threat letters. ;-)**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own **_**The Lord of the Rings**_**. All rights belong to J.R.R. Tolkien, Peter Jackson, and New Line Cinema.**

_**Paris, France, Modern-Day Earth**_

A rabble of protesting young women and even some men sat in Mary-Sue's office, all seated around an oval dark oak table, standing in the spot where Mary-Sue's canopy couches and coffee table should've been.

"This is not fair," One girl with wavy brown hair whined, "You send Uliana, Isabell, Scarlett, and Meredith over there and you don't even consider _us_!"

"I am very much displeased," remarked a pallid, brown-haired face with a flat face and sparkling skin. He had a brooding expression.

"I don't deserve this, I know, but if I don't get to go to Middle-earth, I will throw myself off a cliff!" Other brunette threatened, half-sobbing.

A hunky werewolf (now in the form of a teenage boy) glanced at her worriedly, "Don't worry—I'll rescue you…again!"

"You stay away from her," the sparkling young man growled.

"Says the hundred-something-years-old guy who stalks her and watches her while she SLEEPS!" His opponent retorted smugly. The brunette gasped and stared at her sparkling idol dreamily.

"Wait a minute," a redheaded girl from the other side of the table pointed out, "I thought this was a parody of _The Lord of the Rings_ only—not crossed over with _Twilight_?"

"It's not," Mary-Sue affirmed, irritated with the lack of control in the room, "They are parodies of the original characters that the author of this fan fiction is writing."

"Oooohhhhh," everyone chorused, understanding.

"That is right," the sparkling man nodded, "My name is actually Edweirdo Sullen."

"I'm Isannoying Swine."

"Bocaj Kcalb!"

"Wow," the redhead's eyebrows shot up, but she clearly was not impressed. "This author has some…imagination. I take it that she hates _Twilight_?"

"You bet she does!" A young man with a high-pitched voice grinned toothily at them, earning weird glances in return.

Mary-Sue cleared her throat, silencing her twin brother Laurence-Stuart. "People, please, let's settle down," she commanded, "Now, your unhappiness regarding my choices is unnecessary, because I have _never_ said no one else was going. If you wanted to go, all you had to do was ask."

"Like, _duh_!" Larry-Stu added on with a dumb grin on his face.

"Oh, well, then can we go?" The redhead smiled; glad her misgivings were for naught.

Mary-Sue smiled, although apathetically, and replied, "Like Larry-Stu said…_duh_."

"Can we go too?!" Edweirdo, Isannoying, and Bocaj piped up hopefully.

"Yes," Mary-Sue wrinkled her nose at them, "But you'll have to be more convincing—especially you, Bocaj. Apparently the original _Twilight_ saga does have its…fans."

"I'm a fan!" The redhead raised her hand gleefully. Mary-Sue tried to hide her distaste, smiling, acknowledging.

"What's your name, by the way?" Bocaj asked with a flirtatious look, an apparent attempt to make Isannoying jealous. The redhead simpered and answered, "I'm nobody in this parodied fan fiction who will now be unnecessary to the plot since the author hasn't updated this parodied fan fiction in two years and has forgotten what my original role in this parodied fan fiction was!"

"Really?" Mary-Sue replied flatly. "No wonder I feel like I just woke up from a dreamless night. Off you go to, then Forgotten Minor Character." With that, the redheaded now-plot hole vanished.

The wavy-haired brunette raised her hand. "Can I go, too? The author has forgotten my purpose, too."

But Mary-Sue had an idea that the author didn't think of. "No. You'll be the unnecessary plot hole character for Middle-earth. You'll go along with Edweirdo, Isannoying, and Bocaj as they join the poor unfortunate souls of the Fellowship—and you'll do nothing. You'll just be…there, just for the pure, sheer torment of the poor, unfortunate souls of the Fellowship…" she trailed off, her eyes glowing an evil red as her teeth bared into a fanged grin. She promptly reverted back into her abnormal Mary-Sue beauty. "But what did you say your name was?"

"Oh, then, I guess you can call me Sheila." The brunette shrugged. "It was the first name the author could think up in her college-stuffed, writing-deprived little brain. By the way, could the author lower Larry-Stu's voice? It annoys me nearly as much as Isannoying does."

Isannoying lifted her chin and straightened in her chair, miffed.

"Sorry." Promptly, Larry-Stu's voice lowered.

Mary-Sue contained the urge to shriek. The author was disrupting the audience's attention from her. Readers were supposed to be writhing in their chairs with bleeding eyes and loss of hair!

"Uh, sis?" Larry-Stu stammered. "Your palms are bleeding."

Mary-Sue realized she'd been deathly silent and squeezing her fists. She loosened her grip and let go of a breath she didn't realize she was holding. "Oh." She cleared her throat and shook her head, brushing off feelings of rage and hatred towards Anti-Mary-Sues. How she wanted them to _suffer_…

She smiled sugarily (as if that was a real word) at her recruit of Mary-Sue rookies. "While Larry-Stu and I prepare the dismal death and utter destruction of original fiction and fan fiction everywhere and the sanity of intelligent, innocent readers and writers everywhere, you four will enter Middle-earth and find the Fellowship, who are currently being led through the Gap of Rohan by Uliana, Scarlett, and Isabell. Also known as—"

"Hrodohaidis Eileen Lark Inushayia Elvenprincessia, Ashley Connelly, and Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn—WE KNOW, WE KNOW!" The recruits groaned for the 9,584,072,136th time ever.

"—Oh," Mary-Sue laughed rather self-consciously, "Did I already tell you that?"

"Uh, _yeah_," Sheila shot her a duh look, "Like, 9,584,072,136 times already."

"Whoa!" Larry-Stu gaped, "That means our meeting must've been like, totally LONG!"

"Let's not get off-topic here," Mary-Sue snapped, smacking her brother's head lightly to drive him into submission. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes. You four will, of course, make their journey into a completely off-plot voyage; make it as 'AU' and 'OOC' as possible. Your goal is to make Fellowship members miserable, befuddled, tortured, tormented, and even suicidal. And then their dire situation will lead them to become seduced by the Dark Side of the Mary-Sue-orce. And that…will be the demise of the great J.R.R. Tolkien's masterpiece." A smug, pleased smile spread across Mary-Sue's face. She leaned back in her chair and tapped her long, red fingernails atop the tabletop. "…Any questions? Or applause?"

Immediately, the Mary-Sue recruits applauded. And then Larry-Stu raised his hand.

"Yes?" Mary-Sue addressed him.

"Uh, how do you pronounce Hrodohaidis? And isn't Inushayia a name for anime/manga? And isn't Elvenprincessia a stupid name?"

Mary-Sue stiffened, insulted that her own male counterpart would sound like an…an…accursed Anti-Mary-Sue. Promptly, she slapped him. "It doesn't matter! The philosophy of the Mary-Sue _is_ to _BE STUPID_!"

"Ow!" Larry-Stu cowered in his seat and trembled. "Forgive me, Your High Stupidness."

Mary-Sue shot him a glare that, if a few daggers more, would have bled him to death right there. "Anyway." She refocused on her dear, precious, worthless recruits. "Now, who has questions of crucial importance?"

"Ooh, pick me, pick me!" Larry-Stu instantly recovered from his twin's abuse and bounced in his seat, waving his hand wildly.

Mary-Sue refrained from brutally clobbering him and glanced over. "Yes?" She answered through gritted teeth—er—fangs.

"Isn't the Gap of Rohan a bit out of their way if the Fellowship already has made it through Moria and is supposed to be heading for Lorien?"

Mary-Sue hit the roof (literally). "THAT'S IT!" She roared, slamming her fist and making a smoking hole through the table. The recruits gasped collectively and shrank back, half-terrified and half-awed by her terrible power and magnificence. "YOU'RE GOING BACK TO MARY-SUE-GARTEN!"

"_NOOOOOOOOO!_" Larry-Stu whined, shielding his face with his arms. But it was too late. Mary-Sue jerked her left arm at him and lightning flew out of her finger. With a thunderous boom, an ear-splitting pop, a bright zap, and a dying crackle, Larry-Stu was gone. A burnt spot was left on his chair, and faint blue smoke came off it.

The recruits all paled and slowly shifted their fear-struck gazes to Mary-Sue, who was calmly wiping smoke off her hands and settling back into her chair. She smirked at them. The recruits wisely realized it would be unwise to ever cross her by asking stupid questions like poor, naïve Larry-Stu did.

They _were_ stupid questions, right? Ahem.

"Any more questions before I conclude our meeting with the Seven Tips of How to Mary-Sueize?" Mary-Sue asked gently, like a kindly elementary schoolteacher would.

Sheila raised her hand uncertainly. "Uh…yes. I'd just like to close with the Seven Tips of How to Mary-Sueize, please?" Secretly, she and her Mary-Sue-rades were eager to get the heck out of this place.

"Certainly." Mary Sue piped back brightly. "APPARATE!" She declared, and promptly her massive How To Train Your Mary-Sue handbook apparated on the table. Sheila wanted to ask her if that phrase was from _Harry Potter_, but bit her lip to restrain herself. She didn't want to end up like poor, naïve Larry-Stu.

Mary-Sue flipped the pages until she reached the third chapter. "How To Mary-Sueize." She read the title aloud. "Time is against us. I will only tell you the seven tips, and then I will have to transport you to Middle-earth. The Mary-Sues there need our help soon. Now…"

"The _FIRST TIP_ is: '_Make your author/authoress look like a complete idiot; so completely idiotic that he/she will need __The Complete Idiot's Guide To How _Not_ To Mary-Sue-ize__._'" She shuddered. "I hope no one has written anything like that yet."

"The _SECOND TIP_ is: '_Stupidity is essential. Use it as much as possible._'"

Isannoying opened her mouth to ask then why was Larry-Stu sent back to Mary-Sue-garten for asking stupid questions, but Edweirdo kicked her under the table. She promptly shut up.

"The _THIRD TIP_ is: 'Never_ make your Mary-Sue/Larry-Stu seem normal. Or abnormal. Or, _especially_, flawed._'"

"The _FOURTH TIP_ is: '_Be pointless as much as possible. Be repetitive as much as possible. Be annoying as much as possible. Be stupid and idiotic at the same time, even, if possible._'"

"The _FIFTH TIP_ is: '_Make your Mary-Sue/Larry-Stu hog the main character's role, steal his/her love interest if there is one, tear apart the whole original storyline, disrupt the original characters' arcs, seem amazingly perfect in the eyes of everyone whilst at the time have absolutely no personality AND still flawed though flawless, AND, most of all, make sure the reader dies from hyphaema, intracranial injuries (due to either headdesking or extreme facepalming), and excessive vomiting.'_" (Mary-Sue emitted a sinister, evil giggle.)

"Mary-Sue? What is hyphaema?" Bocaj asked.

"Isn't there something called a dictionary for those sort of words? I ain't your science teacher, buster! If your original counterpart wasn't so dreamy without that shirt, you'd end up like Larry-Stu!"

"…Um, okay. I'll go look it up like a good little boy."

"The _SIXTH TIP_ is: '_If your Mary-Sue/Larry-Stu appears to be actually likeable or improved in the eyes of the Anti-Mary-Sues, quickly evaluate your Mary-Sue/Larry-Stu and find signs of non-Mary-Sueness and remove it immediately. Preferably with an egregious plot hole, an unrealistic anticlimax, the botching of the storyline, and/or the elimination of an original character. Flames are like medicine, and Anti-Mary-Sues _will _swarm._'"

"The _SEVENTH AND FINAL TIP_ is: '_Readers that hate your Mary-Sue/Larry-Stu officially achieve your Mary-Sue/Larry-Stu her/his title and place in the Flame Kingdom. Whatever that is. Just, uh, be as ridiculous as possible!_'"

"_Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!_" The Mary-Sue recruits clapped their hands and nodded wildly. "Let's go! Let's go! I can hardly wait!" Bocaj slobbered all over table.

"_Ew!_" Mary-Sue groused, horrified. "Okay, okay. Just so that you quit that! Come on." She motioned to the center of the room. Sheila, Bocaj, Isannoying, and Edweirdo went over dutifully.

"Join hands, you four." She commanded, subconsciously realizing she'd forgotten to do the transportation speech on Meredith Daniels. _Oh, well._

They joined hands.

"Close your eyes."

They closed their eyes.

"Brace for impact."

They braced for impact.

"There…you…_go_!"

And there they went.

Chills of glee ran all over Mary-Sue's arms and spine. She giggled and clapped her hands. "Soon you'll be mine!" She whispered, stroking her fingers tenderly over a magical mysterious globe that mysteriously wasn't there yesterday. The globe showed a misty scene of the Fellowship in Middle-earth, clearly in chains and being taken against their will by three Mary-Sues.

And all Mary-Sue could do at the moment was cackle in glee.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Was all Meredith Daniels could say—er—scream as she plunged through the sky, falling directly for one hobbit's head amidst the Fellowship. He looked up and gasped, holding out his arms.

Meredith fell right into his arms. The impact made him stumble back, but other hobbit supported his back. Meredith and her hobbit rescuer were unharmed. (Drat! Wait, I mean, good! Right?)

Meredith sighed in relief and wrapped around her arms around the hobbit's neck. "AH! Let go of me!" He squealed, squirming away from her.

"Pippin!" Aragorn exclaimed, running to them from behind a large boulder. "Look what you've done! You rescued a Mary-Sue!"

"I did! I did?!" Pippin yelped, staring at her with horror. "I'm so sorry!" He hid behind Sam.

Meredith leaped towards Pippin and clung to him. "Oh, precious hobbit! You saved my life! I owe you!"

"No, you don't!" Pippin grabbed the stout hobbit's frying-pan and brandished it at her. "I'll hit you if you come near me again!"

"Aw!" Meredith pouted and placed her fists on her hips while she held her pom-poms that somehow appeared there as well "That's okay. You're too short for me." She giggled girlishly as she batted her eyelashes in the direction of a certain Elf standing up on the boulder. "I'm into blonde, pointy-eared Orlando Blooms."

"You can have him!" Pippin yelped, gripping onto his blonde cousin's arm. Merry shook free. "Don't touch me! You're unclean, wrought with the filth of Mary-Sues!" He spat.

Legolas' eyes widened with panic as Meredith continued to stare at him in an unhealthy, stalkerlike (as if that was a real word) way."How do we kill these things?" He whispered to the dark-haired man, Aragorn.

"I don't know," Aragorn whimpered (and he whimpered more as he realized the powers of the Mary-Sues were making him whimper like a little girl), "Gandalf said most of them are immortal and invincible. The only way to stop them is 'Flames'. But sometimes they…_prevail_. And if they should prevail, that is because either their Mary-Sue-thor is either a 'Troll' or simply blindsided by his/her weak writing talents in which he/she his/herself thinks so highly of."

"Or they're in a 'Parody Fan Fiction'." Pippin offered, but after seeing Aragorn and Legolas' incredulous glares, he shook his head. "No. That's just a fool thinking."

"Where's Frodo? And Boromir?" Sam asked.

Aragorn opened his mouth to reply, but a manly and a hobbitly (as if that was a word) howl of terror filled the air. Out of the woods came Boromir and Frodo, who looked as if they were running for their lives (and their sanities). As a matter of fact, they were.

"What is it?! Orcs?! Wargs?! Uruk-hai?!" Legolas shouted, hoping it was true and not simply poor Boromir and Frodo's unrequited lovers Hrodohaidis Eileen Lark Inushayia Elvenprincessia and Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn—ooh, spoke too soon. Here they came.

"COME BACK!" Hrodohaidis Eileen Lark Inushayia Elvenprincessia screamed, "I haven't finished! I support you! I'm on your side! No matter what! We should take the Ring to Gondor!" She shouted all the while she raced after Boromir without panting or even breaking out in a sweat.

"I LOVE YOU! I'M NOT LEAVING YOU!" Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn wailed, sprinting across the plain for her brightly blue-eyed, darkly curly-haired Hobbit object of obsession.

Boromir and Frodo reached their companions, Frodo running around Sam to hide behind him. Pippin kept the pan brandished at the Mary-Sues. Boromir experienced an OOC moment as he leaped into Aragorn's arms like a scared little girl. With disgust, Aragorn subsequently yanked him away and dropped him. He fell with a _thud_ on the grass. "_Oof!_ Sorry." He apologized, humiliated.

"I failed," Boromir confessed with a raspy gasp, "I tried to take the Ring from Frodo."

"And then I came to his rescue, you vile betrayer!" Serenity Starflower Desire Caiytlynn snarled, stalking up to Sam and Frodo. "Move over, Hobbit. I must see Frodo and show him the desires of my heart through my wild-eyed…eyes."

"NO!" Frodo howled, "I would rather look at the Eye of Sauron than look in YOUR eyes!"

Boromir continued his story, close to tears. "And then the other one came to _my_ rescue," he shuddered, "And said she'd help me take Frodo and the Ring to Gondor."

Consternated, Aragorn grabbed Boromir by his shirt front and pulled him up. He made it seem as if he was threatening Boromir, but in an undertone he whispered, "Forget trying to take the Ring from Frodo. I fear what the Mary-Sues could do next if you attempt it again. Look. We have other invader." He jerked his head furtively in the direction of Legolas, who was visibly petrified and aiming his bow and arrow at the new Mary-Sue. She seemed undaunted and giggled high-pitchedly (as if that was a real word) at her pointy-eared object of obsession.

Boromir paled. "Aragorn, we must do something! I fear my original idea of the Gap of Rohan may take us into more danger!"

Aragorn pulled Boromir around the boulder to be out of earshot and be hidden from the Mary-Sues' sights. They momentarily wondered where the redheaded Hobbit Mary-Sue was who'd hidden herself in Sam's backpack. _Please be dead._ "Boromir, we need to go to the golden city of Rohan, meet King Theoden. He will help us with his army, wipe out those Mary-Sues, and—"

"Excuse me, I'm sorry, but you're not allowed away from the group. You're having a normal, serious conversation, and that isn't allowed to be around when Mary-Sues are. Chaos must ensue." Unfortunately, Hrodohaidis found their hideout and stood before them calmly with hands clasped and a perfectful (as if that was a real word) smile showing pearly straight teeth. "Please come back to the group, or I will have to us my magical powers to apparate you over there."

Suddenly, Boromir felt a strange, sickly tingling crawl into his belly, and his heart started pounding. "Aragorn! Something's happening to me! I can feel it! I—I think I'm—"

"You're falling in love with me," Hrodohaidis murmured in elation, gazing at him with adoration.

Boromir let out a bloodcurdling scream. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THIS! ANYTHING BUT THIS!" He grabbed Aragorn by the collar and yanked him close. "DO SOMETHING!"

Aragorn shoved himself loose and swung out his sword at Hrodohaidis. "You witch! Remove the curse you put upon this man! LEAVE!"

"Oh, why don't you just kill her and be done with it?!" Boromir yelled.

"I can't!" Aragorn retorted indignantly. "I won't kill a _woman_!"

"Me neither!" Boromir snapped back. Simultaneously, they both realized what was happening. They both were falling in love with her.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Screaming like little girls, they ran away.

But Hrodohaidis merely suppressed a wicked chuckle. "Not now, but soon…you will turn to the Dark Side of the Mary-Sue-orce, Boromir and Aragorn of Gondor. And…there will be no…going…back."

Meanwhile, the Hobbits and Legolas were wrapped up, bound by a tight rope that Ashley had magically conjured and helped Isabell and Meredith tie them up.

"You'll never get away with this!" Sam spat, refusing to cower with fear.

"I'd rather be eaten by Orcs!" Pippin yelled.

"Do not underestimate the power of the Mary-Sue-orce!" Meredith snapped. "Our leader, the Great Mary-Sue, knows exactly what she's doing, and you can't stop us."

"I do." Legolas dared to stare into the hideously beautiful eyes of the Mary-Sues. "_Flames._" He hissed.

Meredith, Isabell, and Ashley gasped and jerked back.

Legolas jabbed his elbow into Merry's side. "_Flames!_" He hissed.

Merry got the message. He elbowed Pippin. "_Flames!_" He whispered.

Pippin poked Frodo. "_Flames!_" He piped.

Frodo pushed Sam with his forearm. "_Flames!_" He ordered.

"_FLAMES!_" Sam shouted.

"_FLAMES! FLAMES! FLAMES! FLAMES! FLAMES! FLAMES! FLAMES! FLAMES! FLAMES! FLAMES!_" They started chanting. The Mary-Sues started to sob and bawl as they clung to each other, looking up at the sky as if they expected fiery balls of hot fire to shoot at them.

But the battle wasn't over. Or was it?

**AN: Well . . . now you know how to train your Mary-Sue, how to Mary-Sueize, and the ten commandments of Mary-Suedom. But do you know how to get rid of your Mary-Sue? That's right! *Hands out candy to readers who guessed right.* BRING ON THE FLAMES! But I'd also like some nice feedback on my writing as well. :-) **

**Also, in your reviews (or PMs if you like), please tell me if you want the story to end in the next chapter or to continue with more zany Mary-Sue parody adventures. If so, give me ideas in your reviews, and I promise credit will be given to your fabulous ideas. :-D**

**And, I have a poll up on my profile. Please vote on it! :-)**

**Thanks to you all once again!**


	4. How to Become a Mary-Sue

_**Chapter 4: How to Become a Mary-Sue**_

**AN: First of all, let me say this: SHAME ON YOU! Now you've upset my poor little Mary-Sue! Your positive and entertaining reviews, follows, and favorites really peeved her to the point of—**_**gasp**_**—I won't even say it here. Look at this new chapter to yourself. Don't say I didn't warn you! I ought send you all flames for your wonderful and charming feedback. HMMPH! No cookies for you today.**

**FYI, I'm just kidding, in case you couldn't tell. ;-)**

**I want to thank AaylaKitofNeflheim and annafan for their reviews! I guess I'll give you virtual cookies for doing so. *Grudgingly hands over platter of homemade chocolate chip cookies.***

**Now, brace yourself. Things are about to get ugly here.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings, New Line Cinema, or Peter Jackson. Nor do I want to. But WORKING for any movie from Tolkien's books would be a great honor. A girl can only dream.**

_Paris, France, Europe, Modern-Day Earth_

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Unholy shrieks of fury echoed through the Parisian office building.

A bronze-skinned man with flowing black hair and a chiseled, six-pack chest burst through Mary-Sue's office. "My sister Mary-Sue! Whatever is the matter?! Is there an emergency?"

Through smoking ears and blood-red eyes, Mary-Sue addressed him, her arms trembling and teeth gritted to the point of shattering. She slowly pulled her fingers out of her frizzed-up hair and composed herself. "…Brother? I thought I sent you back to Mary-Sue-garten."

"You did. I'm your other brother, Garrett-Stuart. And you do have a third brother, Martin-Stuart."

"Now I remember why I don't visit family reunions," Mary-Sue muttered. "What are you doing here?!"

"I heard you screaming as if someone was Flaming you to death like they did to Mum!" Gary-Stu cried, "Besides, rescuing damsels in distress is what I always do, anyway!"

"I'm fine." Mary-Sue retorted haughtily, "I'm invincible. Poor Mum never had what I have—stupidity in the heart of stubbornness. That, and naïve, idealistic writers who don't respect quality literature and quality fan fiction."

Gary-Stu shook his head. "That's a sad pity. What happened, anyway?"

The events of two minutes ago came rushing back to Mary-Sue like an angry tidal wave. "_…THIS!_" She snarled, whirling around and turning on her large holo-screen (that just happened to be there) that spread across her wide window which overlooked the city.

"Those…those….THOSE _REVIEWERS_! …All of the…_NERVE_!" She shouted, jabbing her finger at the screen, which displayed a list of reviewers who had read the book How to Train Your Mary-Sue, Middle-earth Edition.

"One reviewer had the nerve to say my story was PERFECT!" Mary-Sue shouted, watching Gary-Stu walk up and study the screen with interest. "I thought that's what Mary-Sues were supposed to want."

"I'm not like any other stupid Mary-Sues!" Mary-Sue snapped and walked back to her desk to open her gigantic handbook to training Mary-Sues. "I need FLAMES. Those reviewers have no cruelty and heartlessness…instead, they kindly praise my Mary-Sue-thor for being…_creative_…and _promising_…and…and…" she shuddered.

"Well, if you're looking for ways to get yourself killed, and Flames won't kill you, then what are you doing?!" Gary-Stu inquired, befuddled.

"Dear heavens!" Mary-Sue cried out, raising her face to the ceiling, which had another hole in it from her temper fit. "How can you be so dense?! You're even worse than Larry-Stu!"

Gary-Stu scowled at her. "Well, excuse me if I haven't heard any clear explanations!"

"Fine." Mary-Sue leaned over her desk and looked up at him. "I want books. I want movies. I want comic books. I want video games. I want them all to myself. And I want all the readers and writers of this world to die. And I do mean, like, _drop dead_. Then all of the books, movies, comic books, and video games of the world will be mine, and I will start writing my own books, and people will be forced to read only those books, because they'll be the _only_ books left! And _how_ do you accomplish that, Gary-Stu? Hmm?"

There were a lot of fallacies within Mary-Sue's logic, but Gary merely nodded. No need to get sent back to Mary-Sue-garten like poor, naïve Larry-Stu did. "Well, why did they like your story so much?" He asked instead.

Mary-Sue huffed in disgust. "Cursed be Isabell. She chases Frodo instead of Legolas. And Boromir and Aragorn keep creating diversions, conspiring in secret to defeat my Mary-Sues. There isn't enough drama and chaos going on there! I need to kick it up a notch. Turn my readers' laughter into tears. Their amusement into misery. Their lives into DEATH!"

"You have your book, then." Gary-Stu nodded his head in the book's direction. Mary-Sue bared an insidious smirk as she opened. "My Anti-Mary-Sue readers were foolish to think they could defeat me. Well, I accept their weak, so-called challenge. _It's on._"

The book was opened to _Chapter 4: How to Become a Mary-Sue_.

Somwhere in Middly-erth, lyk, 1342 BC or whatevs

LEGGY! I cried LUK I like rly don't lyk u but we gotsa lyk kiss or whatevs!

"What foul tongue are you speaking to me, you vile creature?! Surely the tongue of Mordor is less treacherous!" Legolas the Elf prince barked sharply at Serenity, backing away from her.

LUKOUT! I criied az my luff (but lykk IDONTT marysue told me anyway! *SIGHwhatevs!) fell off a wooden branch made of oaken wood and DOOOOOWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNN into a plunging river!1111 oh well I said 2 myself and walked away. If leggy dies, fine! Now I can have FODO! :D :D :D :D :D

HEY!" that cheerleader s*** Meredith lyk totally yells at me and is a total ***** 2 me and lyk pushes me! I did NUTHIN ronge! U STAY AWAY FROM MY LEGGY!11111 she screams and dives after him! She is lyk so dumb! WHOAHHHH! Lykkk Meredith flies over the lake and rescues Legolas! Hes ina coma but breathin! Whew butwhatevs! ILL HELP! Hrodohaidis comes running over and does the heimlich thingy to rescue Legolas! He BREATHES! OHHHHHH my leggy! Meredith croons and holds him close. MAH LUFF! He cries and holds her cloze 2! AW! Now who will haff her man next, I guess? YOU GUESS! tee-Heeee! W8ink wink wink! Oooohhhh now I will put da awzome cliffhanger! Reeders love tem don't they? MUAHWHAHAHAHA!

**SYSTEM FAILURE. SYSTEM FAILURE. SYSTEM FAILURE. SYSTEM FAILURE. SYSTEM FAILURE. SYSTEM FAILURE. SYSTEM FAILURE. SYSTEM FAILURE. SYSTEM FAILURE. SYSTEM FAILURE. SYSTEM FAILURE. SYSTEM FAILURE.**

**DUE TO THE GRAPHIC MARY-SUE-ISMS IN THE PREVIOUS SCENE, THIS FANFICTION WEBSITE IS ON A HIGH RISK OF CRASHING. PLEASE REVERT TO PROPER GRAMMAR AND REMOVE YOUR MARY-SUE VIRUS. AAAAGHHHHH! WHAT IS THAT SOUND OF EVIL LAUGHTER COMING FROM PARIS?!**

**AN: I warned you, didn't I? Yep, I did. Sorry, pals. Now let's see what you can do with those awesome Flames! Mwahahahaha! ;-) But, seriously, thanks so much for enjoying my parody! Rock on!**

**(Sorry for such a short chapter. Think of this one as a sort-of test. To be honest, I really hate writing in bad grammar…I'm updating now before my OCD makes me edit it all…I need flames…my Mary-Sue will die without them…(wait, that's the point, isn't it? ;-)**

**Pray I'll update soon!**


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